Being Asked if I’m a Guy or Girl

Hey everyone!

A situation happened a few days ago which I’ve still been thinking about quite a bit. I went to a concert and I was waiting in line for hours and ended up talking to the few other people who were there early as well. We were all pretty cold so we were just talking to pass the time and there are often people who come up to you to ask for money or cigarettes, whatever it may be. One person came up to me and said ‘Excuse me, wait are you a guy or a girl?’ and honestly I love being asked that just cause it kinda deep down makes me feel like there’s a slight bit of chance that to at least one person I can appear as something other than female.

The person who was in line next to me was then like ‘Dude, really? Can’t you tell she’s a girl?’ and that just brought it all back down. For the split second that the guy asked me something that I normally am happy about, somebody else made it all crash down by ‘pointing out the obvious’ that I’m not a guy. The person who asked the question replied to the person in line with ‘Okay I’m sorry, I didn’t know. From behind she has a braid and I’ve seen lots of guys with the same kind of hair and her profile really looked like a guy, I’m sorry it was my mistake.’ I kept saying it was fine and smiling at him, reassuring him it was fine, cause on the inside I was actually pretty happy that he thought that and that even for a bit he thought I was a guy.

I don’t think I look much ‘like a guy’ but it’s always nice when someone thinks I do, cause it kind of validates how I feel a majority of the time. Even though the person in line with me shut it down pretty quickly, it was still a cool few seconds that I’ve been replaying in my head over and over again. Thanks for reading and keep on being you!

Family Function

Hey everyone!

So one of the things that I’ve been meaning to write about was something that happened about a month ago when I went out of town for a family function. I’m kind of the outcast of the family so especially at bigger events with family that I don’t get to see very often, I’m often left out and just not really included or understood. There’s a ton that most of them don’t know about it, they don’t even know my sexual orientation, let alone my gender identity.

While I was there this past time, I noticed a lot of comments being made that were transphobic, which really bummed me out. It’s like I was expected to go along with it also, but of course I didn’t. My family likes to joke around a lot, and I’m not trying to bash on them or anything at all, they’re all great people and all, but it’s kind of awkward for me in those situations. One example would be when someone was carrying his wife’s purse, they were making fun of him and asking if he was Caitlyn Jenner, stupid shit like that. They were all just laughing about it and it really bummed me out.

I don’t really see them very often since they live in another province, so I wasn’t going to try and mention things and make it weird since we barely see each other as is. My brother lives out of town from all of us and the family, and he came to this event to surprise everyone, and as always he was making dumb remarks and saying things to me to piss me off more, which sucked. I love my brother and my family but it’s not always funny when they say things that really do bother me and I try to talk to them privately about it later on.

I know this was a random and dumb post, but just wanted to let it out and stuff, thanks for reading and keep on being you!

Update

Hey everyone!

I know it’s been a while, once again I’ve been having a ton of things going on and it’s really been taking a toll on me, but I’m trying to push through. The next few days I’ll be trying especially to get back into blogging on here and posting about situations and things that I don’t often have many people to talk to about, so just as my form of a release, and for all of you to be able to read as well.

I’ve had to take a leave from work for medical reasons, school isn’t all that enjoyable, I don’t get to do a whole lot that I like anymore, bunch of drama going on and things in general are just rough. One of the things that’s really been bothering me lately is the lack of effort than many people put into respecting me. I really don’t ask for much, and all I’ve really asked is to avoid calling me certain names and to try and use neutral pronouns. I completely understand that it may not be the easiest thing to adjust to at first, and that in many cases people will slip up, or forget, and I totally get that.¬†It’s getting increasingly more difficult and awkward to constantly be referred to by female pronouns, and I just wish that more people would make an effort.

I’ve had to compromise and settle for a bunch of things in many different aspects, but for now this is just a simple thing that I would like to have work out and want to feel comfortable around people instead of on edge cause I don’t want to interrupt them and make things weird by asking them to not use that word, so all I can do is hope it’ll get better.

I will try to post most frequently, thanks for reading and sticking by, and don’t forget to keep on being you!

I’ve he had to ask people multiple times to try and make ths adjustment and even had to make several posts about, it and it’s just getting really annoying. II’m understanding, but at the same time

Another family gathering

Hey everyone!

So for those who don’t know, I’m Jewish (not super religious or anything) and it’s currently a holiday for us, and that means another reason to gather up the whole family and make me feel like shit. Since mostly no one in my family knows, I’m still expected to act and dress a certain way, which is not how I am.

I don’t have a ton of family who live here, but when we all get together I just feel like I’m being judged the entire time. I’m not exactly ‘the most successful one’ out of the bunch, I’m the youngest every time, and while everyone else has their life figured out, I don’t. I always have to answer the same frustrating questions, have to talk about things I really would rather not have to think about, and just overall it’s not all that pleasant. As for the way I dress, on the other hand, I always feel out of place.

I’m suppose to go to synagogue for prayers and stuff but I haven’t gone as much in the past couple of years, for a few reasons, and one of them is the way that I am perceived and the way that I am expected to dress. I do not feel comfortable at all in what I am forced to wear, and although my family does know that I hate that stuff, that I’ve never liked wearing ‘fancy girly clothing’ it’s still something that I end up having to do, and I just hate it.

So even though I can escape going to synagogue, especially since my parents and I don’t go to the same one as my other relatives so it’s easy to just not mention that I didn’t go, I still have to go to the dinners/lunches. Since there are quite a few guests, and they’re all dressed well, I’m just out of place no matter what. I either wear what they expect me to and fell completely weird, I wear what I want and have them stare at me, or I just wear every day clothing and get looks either way. So that’s what I did, just wore every day clothing. I was the least ‘formally’ dressed person both yesterday and today, and today was at my house, so it obviously doesn’t look all that good on my part.

Most of them don’t even know that I’m not interested in guys, so it’s all a really big mess each and every time. I decided to just wear comfortable clothes, and knew that no matter what I would be looked at differently and spoken about, and no matter what I wasn’t going to fit in, so might as well wear something that I like and that is comfortable. Needless to say, nobody was all that impressed.

I don’t like these sorts of events, because I’m expected to be a person that I’m not, and the only person who knows, my mother, doesn’t really do a whole lot in helping. She encourages me to be myself, yet she will only let that go to a certain extent, and when it comes to being perceived by her family it just all goes out the window, so it’s not like there’s a whole lot I can do. Maybe next time it’ll be better, but who knows! Thanks for reading and keep on being you!

Just Came Out To My Brother

Hey everyone!

Not too long ago, I unexpectedly came out to my brother. Before saying anything, regardless of what I will mention in this post, I am not bashing my brother at all, or trying to make him sound bad. He’s an awesome person, even though we don’t agree on a lot of things and are very different people, I love him unconditionally and nothing will ever change that. To quickly go over some side-notes, here are a few things to know:

  • My brother currently lives out of province, and is here visiting (only for another day or so, but he’s been here for a few weeks), so we don’t get to see him all that often
  • We have a really weird relationship, he’s a slight bit older than me
  • When I came out to him several years ago and told him I liked girls, he thought I was trying to mess around with him and that I was joking, and still to this day thinks it’s not true and it’s a phase
  • He often makes tons of homophobic and transphobic comments, and I always make a big deal out of it
  • I know he’s not a bad person, at the end of the day he’s my brother and I love him, and he loves me too and we would both do anything for one another, we just don’t always agree upon things

So for the past while I’ve been thinking about coming out to him, but knowing how he is, and knowing what his reaction would be, it kind of seemed pointless. I also knew that he was coming for a few weeks and that if I told him in the beginning of him being here, it would just make the remaining time awkward and kind of ‘ruin his trip.’ I was thinking about telling him a few days before he left, but seeing as I’ve been fighting and arguing with me family for a while now, it wasn’t really something I saw as the best option. That changed tonight.

As we were fighting again tonight, I started to poke fun at a few things, just to see what he would say and I was going to just leave it at that, but one thing led to another and things escalated so I just ended up fully telling him. It was kind of dumb how it started, we were yelling at each other and then he kept calling my name (for me to stop talking so he could get a word in) and I told him not to call me that, to call me Wilfred¬†(that’s not the name at all that I associate with at all, it was just the first name that popped into my mind and I was just messing around at first). He started laughing and was like “what are you a guy now?” so I replied “yeah, pretty much!”

Things went back and forth and he compared my to Caitlyn Jenner (he asked if I was the reverse version of Bruce, and I corrected him on saying Caitlyn) and if I completely lost my mind. He kept laughing and said I was delusional and making things up, it just carried on and I said I was non-binary, he had no clue at all what that meant and just kept laughing thinking I was making it up. I insisted I was telling the truth and that I wasn’t just screwing around, then my mom heard us yelling and she’s the only one that knows (she doesn’t understand it at all but she knows) and she came in the room to ask us to stop yelling cause it was really late and then told him that what I was saying is true. He looked so confused and didn’t understand anything.

My mom tried to be the mediator, of sorts, and he asked a bunch of dumb questions, he said “well if you’re not a guy or girl then what are you? a wild animal?” and then kept purposefully calling me ‘girl’ ‘lady’ ‘woman’ etc. I kept telling him to stop and then we were arguing again, and my mom wanted us both to stop and leave each other alone so he asked me to explain and that tomorrow night, which is his last night here, that we would talk about it and leave it at that. He said he wouldn’t tell my dad, who would have pretty much the same reaction or worse, so I guess that’s a positive thing.

I’m honestly not surprised one bit at the comments and things he said, the way he reacted, it doesn’t surprise me in the slightest. I wasn’t really expecting to tell him tonight, or to even really tell him while he was here this time, but I am happy I told him because it’s been on my mind for a while to tell him, and besides a couple days in October I might not see him again until next summer. Seeing as he’s my brother, I think it’s more appropriate to tell him in person, and I guess it all worked out.

I’ll see if anything happens tomorrow, if he brings it up and talks to me about it or if he pretends nothing happened, but even after all the yelling, arguing, confusion, being called ‘it’ and all the other names he said, I’m not looking at this as a negative outcome or anything, since it was exactly how I knew it would be, and I know he still loves me the same (or so I think) and that it is what it is. Thanks for reading and keep on being you!

Teacher Not Willing To Use Preferred Pronouns

Hey everyone!

It’s been a crazy week, but I’ll catch you all up on what happened with the meeting. As mentioned in my previous post (which can be viewed here), I was able to have the meeting with the teacher. I was really nervous, and the whole point as to why I emailed first was to avoid having to go in person and justify myself and my reasoning.

I don’t really find it fair, that I had to go in to explain and justify myself to her. I don’t have any problems answering people’s questions or helping them understand better, that’s not at all what I’m saying, and I completely get it that she just wanted to have a clearer understanding of it, but the following reason is why I don’t think it is fair that I had to explain myself. When a teacher goes over the attendance list in the beginning of a course, and call someones name and they interrupt and ask to be called by another name, whether it’s just one name instead of two, an English version of their name, a simpler name, regardless, they ask to be called by another name, and the correction is quickly made and that’s the end of it. There’s no need for the teacher to ask or for the student to explain their reasoning, that’s just the way it is. So why is it different for pronouns?

I don’t really ask for a lot, because just based on the way that people haven’t changed their ways in the past, I’m not trying to make it all that complicated for them. I’m compromising before even having to, just for their sake, when I shouldn’t have to budge on this at all to begin with. I don’t really go by my birth name all that much, but I still get called that on a daily basis, so I don’t even bother asking my teachers to call me by an abbreviated version (which most of my friends do). All I really asked for was to be referred to by neutral pronouns (they/them), and not to be referred to as female.

Before even going to the meeting, I was standing outside the door pacing in the halls for a good half hour nervous as hell. It wasn’t really a meeting, more of me just going to her office hours to discuss whatever it was that she wanted to know. It was really quick, but I know that she was really trying to understand and make an effort. She said she wanted to do whatever she could to make me feel respected and all that, and was on my side, not trying to make things harder. Despite this, she said that since she is an English teacher, and grammatically speaking ‘they’ is used for plural, so she can’t really see herself using that pronoun for me, since I’m one person. We ended up agreeing that she would make an effort to just refer to me by my name, and not any pronouns, so I guess that’s a fair enough compromise.

I understand where she’s coming from, and she apologized in advance if she were to make any mistakes, but that she was going to try her best, and I do appreciate that. I appreciate the effort she is trying to make and that she wanted to understand better, but yeah it still kinda sucks to be mostly referred to by a name that I don’t necessarily always get called by, as well as not have my pronouns all that respected. I know it could be way worse, so I can’t complain a whole lot and I know she is trying so that’s what counts and what I respect her for.

It’s pretty busy now during the semester, but I’ll try to post at least once a week and fill you all in on the different instances that I encounter during the week. Thanks for reading and keep on being you!

Coming Out To Teachers

Hey everyone!

So the first week of the semester just passed last week, and I have a bunch of stories to tell. I’ll explain them in a further post, but for this one I want to focus on what it’s like coming out to teachers, in my experience.

In high school, I didn’t say anything to any of my teachers about my gender identity, so even though it was on my mind, I never really did anything about it. During my first semester of college (during the Fall of 2014), I didn’t say much either. I was just getting into the swing of things, and trying to make friends and stuff, so didn’t really go much into detail about that. During my second semester (earlier in this year, Winter 2015), I did tell some of my teachers.

As the semester progressed, I hadn’t really said anything until it got to the point that comments were being made in class on behalf of the teacher, which made me feel uncomfortable. I never once blamed them and still don’t, because they couldn’t have known better since I hadn’t previously told them. For example, in one class the teacher picked someone in the class to do a demonstration and was like “I need a girl for this, um, how about you” and would choose me. It would have to do with something to do with being female, so it was just really awkward for me. After this happened a couple times and I was constantly being referred to with female pronouns, I decided to tell some of my teachers.

When I told them, they were all very understanding and made a conscious effort the rest of the semester to try and use neutral pronouns and to not really associate me with ‘female things.’ I was really relieved with how they took it and how accommodating they were. I figured this time around, it would be best to tell my teachers from the start, that way I wouldn’t have to go through an awkward experience in order to then have to tell them, this was it could prevent it.

I sent most of my teachers emails today, concerning a few things but also including my gender identity and the pronouns I prefer to be called. One of my teachers was really nice about it and applauded me for being so open, and coincidentally our next class discussion revolves around queer theorists who believed gender binaries are myths, which I thought was pretty cool!

I haven’t emailed my French teacher yet, because I’m still trying to figure out how to really ask for much accommodations in that class. For those who don’t know, in French there is a lot that revolves around feminine and masculine within the grammar. Even objects are placed in a category, of either being feminine or masculine, in which different pronouns are used. When referring to people or occupations, whether it’s a female or masculine person it’s spelled differently, and if writing from the first person and being feminine there are different rules that apply. It’s pretty complicated, so it’s hard to figure out how I want to state it, but I’m thinking of just asking if it’s okay when I write to not think of myself as female, so I wouldn’t have to write in the way that might be ‘expected’ of me.

The only other response I got from any of my teachers has left me in a bit of a tricky situation. The teacher replied and didn’t really understand and wants me to go see her during her office hours to discuss it. The main reason why I emailed it to my teachers was because it’s hard and weird for me to discuss it in person with my teachers, and now that’s what I am pretty much forced to do. I know I can just never show up and just not go, but that’s not the type of person I am and I’m going to go and try to explain in a way that she’ll understand. It’s just awkward for me to go talk to my teachers for a ‘deep conversation’ of sorts and outside of class hours. I’m pretty nervous and don’t really know what to say in all honesty.

There’s a gender advocacy center at my school, and I want to go to ask them what they think I should say that would help and all, but I’m even too nervous to go there and ask. It’s not that I’m ashamed or anything, not at all, and I often have to tell people and explain to them, but I find it different to explain to a friend, than it is to explain to a teacher, since there’s a different relation. I have to go see the teacher in the next couple of days, so I’m pretty nervous! If anyone has any advice, I’m open to hearing anything you have to say, thanks for reading and keep on being you!